Happiness. Short-term, stupid, self-interest.

No More Screwing Around

Juicy Fruit, poison, drowning, pitch forks… nope… none of them are the answer.

My lawn continues to be destroyed by moles. I think the poison did work on one, but there is no way to know for sure without digging up the lawn to find a carcass. Something I did in addition to the poison was a few days later to swamp the area where he was with water. I started to do it just to break the tunnels back down and to find out if he was still there (by remaking the tunnels), but the pool of water that my lawn was holding compelled me to over do it to the point of drowning anything that may have been curled up with stomach pains in any of those tunnels. I don’t know if I got him, but that area has never been touched again. I think I got him.

My wife had told me earlier in the year that she would by me moles traps (at $15 a piece)… she said that’s what The Mole Man says is the only way to do it. But, I thought the poison and subsequent drowning was doing the trick.

I still had two other areas that were active from time to time. Moles quiet down in the summer, but that didn’t stop me from trying to poison and drown the suckers. Of course, about a week later, after thinking success, both areas became active again.

My cell phone rang while I was out looking at what the mole had done to my lawn… and what I had done to it in turn by turning up the soil trying to find him and how far the tunnels went.

It was my wife. Standing there, muddy and dripping in sweat, I answered and grunted, “Get me the traps. Just get me the traps.”

My wife “has a heart”, but it is for me, not the moles. She came home with the Victor guillotine mole trap. I set it per the instructions and we went away for the weekend.

I returned home to a big impaled fat-assed mole with sweet, sweet, glorious-o-glorious Black Death surrounding him. What I liked best was that his neck was pinned to the earth and his whole body was above ground outside the tunnel. I surmise he was trying to escape the grips of death, hopefully while the sun baked and burned him like a vampire in the morning sun.

I’ve never been happier. I had to show all my neighbors. I’m thinking of having a party.

I got #2 today; he was the smaller and sneakier bastard. Here is a picture of his slaughter.
I gave him my last respects in the form of a middle finger after I had stabbed him a few more times for good measure and then I flung him into the garbage can.

So now you have seen my dark side… and moles know not to screw with me. (anymore)


September 8, 2007 - Posted by | Home Improvement, Life in general


  1. The best success I have had with getting rid of moles is using the bait and applicator from http://www.mole-be-gone.com

    Hope this helps!

    Comment by Mole Bait | January 11, 2009

  2. Very interesting to see this sort of trap. In the UK they are very strict as to what sort of traps we use. We mainly use the half barrel tunnel traps or the talpex scissor traps. Do you find your trap to be effective in all ground conditions?


    Comment by http://www.mole-catcher-surrey.co.uk/ | January 18, 2013

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